PDA and Praise Rejection

Why Praise Can Sometimes Feel Like Pressure for Autistic People with a PDA Profile

Praise is generally understood as something positive. Parents, teachers and professionals are often encouraged to praise children frequently, with the assumption that positive feedback builds confidence, encourages participation and strengthens relationships. For many people, praise does feel affirming and connecting. For some Autistic people with a PDA profile, however, praise can create pressure in ways that may not be immediately obvious to the person offering it.

A PDA child, teenager or adult may dismiss a compliment, minimise an achievement, become distressed following positive feedback, abruptly stop an activity they had previously been enjoying, hide or destroy something they have created, or react strongly when somebody comments positively on what they have done.

These responses can easily be misunderstood as low self-esteem, oppositionality, attention-seeking or an inability to accept kindness.

Increasingly, PDA-informed thinking invites us to look beyond observable demand avoidance as the primary explanation for PDA experiences. Autonomy, agency, relational safety, power, uncertainty, emotional exposure and the experience of being influenced, perceived or evaluated can all be relevant. From this perspective, what is sometimes described as "praise rejection" may not actually be about rejecting praise at all. Instead, the response may tell us that something about the interaction has introduced pressure.

When a Personally Owned Experience Becomes Observed

Imagine a child drawing simply because they want to draw. There may be no audience in their mind, no expectation of producing something impressive and no particular outcome they are trying to achieve. Perhaps drawing is enjoyable, regulating or connected to a deep interest. The experience belongs to them.

An adult walks past and enthusiastically says, "That's amazing! You're so good at drawing!"

Nothing about the drawing itself has changed, yet the experience surrounding it may have changed considerably.

The activity has now been noticed. The child has been perceived. Their work has been interpreted and evaluated by somebody else. Something that previously existed within their own internally motivated experience has entered a relational space in which another person now has an opinion about it.

For some PDA people, that shift can create pressure. The difficulty may not be the kindness or positivity of the comment itself. Rather, an internally motivated and personally owned experience has suddenly become externally observed, interpreted or evaluated. That change can introduce relational and emotional pressure that was not present moments earlier.

Something that felt spontaneous may now feel monitored. Something that belonged entirely to the person may suddenly feel connected to somebody else's response. An activity that was about curiosity, creativity, pleasure or interest may acquire a new layer of social meaning.

When Being Perceived Creates Pressure

Praise naturally directs attention towards a person. Even positive attention can heighten self-awareness and create a sense of emotional exposure. Someone who was deeply immersed in an activity may suddenly become aware of themselves doing it, of somebody else watching them and of what that person thinks about their performance.

For some PDA individuals, being perceived in this way can itself create pressure that triggers protective threat responses.

The internal experience may involve questions such as, "Why are they watching me?", "What does this mean now?", "What do they want from me?", "Will they expect this again?", "Have they decided something about me?" or "What happens if I cannot do this next time?"

These thoughts do not necessarily occur consciously or sequentially. The person may simply experience a rapid change in how the situation feels. Something that was manageable moments earlier may suddenly become emotionally loaded, exposing or connected to another person's expectations.

This is why an autonomy-informed understanding of PDA needs to extend beyond asking whether somebody has issued a recognisable demand. Pressure experienced can be subtle. It can be relational, anticipatory, emotional or socially embedded. It can emerge from what an interaction appears to communicate about what happens next.

Praise Can Alter the Relational Dynamic

Traditional praise can position one person as the evaluator of another. The person giving the praise determines that something was "good", "brilliant", "clever", "beautiful" or "correct".

There is nothing inherently harmful about appreciating another person's efforts or sharing delight in something they have created. However, for somebody particularly sensitive to autonomy and relational positioning, the experience of another person assuming the role of evaluator may sometimes introduce pressure triggering protective responses.

This becomes particularly relevant when we think about the inherent power differences that exist between adults and children. Adults make many decisions within children's lives. They determine schedules, environments, expectations, access to activities and numerous aspects of everyday life. Praise therefore does not necessarily exist separately from that wider relational context.

A statement such as "Good girl, you did exactly what I asked" carries a different relational message from sharing genuine delight in something a child has actively chosen to show you. The first may communicate that approval is connected to meeting another person's expectation. For some PDA children, this can increase pressure (triggering protective responses) within a relationship where they may already be particularly attuned to autonomy, power and external influence.

The important question is therefore not simply whether praise is objectively positive. It is how that particular person experiences it within that particular relationship and context.

When Praise Creates Future Expectation

Praise can also change the meaning of what happens next.

Imagine a child completes their homework independently and hears, "That was brilliant. You did all your homework by yourself!" The adult may simply be communicating pride. The child, however, may hear an additional message: They know I can do this now.

Suddenly there may be pressure attached to future occasions. If I managed it today, will I be expected to manage it tomorrow? If everybody was pleased with this result, what happens if I cannot reproduce it? Has this now become the standard? Have I accidentally demonstrated a capacity that I do not reliably have?

This is particularly important when we recognise that Autistic capacity is dynamic rather than fixed. Being able to do something in one moment does not necessarily mean a person can access the same capacity consistently across different sensory, emotional, cognitive, environmental or relational conditions.

Praise can therefore unintentionally transform an achievement into evidence of future capacity.

For some PDA people, this creates anticipatory pressure. Praise can begin to carry an implied expectation to repeat, maintain or perform at the same level again. However, this is only one possible pathway through which praise can become pressurising. For another person, the greater pressure may come from being observed, evaluated, emotionally exposed or having something personally meaningful externally defined.

From Internal Motivation to External Evaluation

Many Neurodivergent people experience deep engagement with interests, ideas and activities that are intrinsically meaningful. The motivation comes from within the experience itself.

A child may build something because building is interesting. They may research a subject because they are deeply curious about it. They may draw because drawing feels regulating. They may arrange objects because the pattern is satisfying. They may practise something repeatedly because their attention is deeply engaged.

When adults repeatedly comment on, praise or evaluate these activities, the social response can begin to occupy space that previously belonged to the activity itself.

The experience may shift from "I am doing this because I want to" towards an awareness that "other people like when I do this".

For some PDA people, this can create pressure because something internally generated begins to feel externally shaped. The person may become aware not only of their own interest or enjoyment, but also of another person's investment in what they are doing.

This does not mean that PDA people do not want others to notice, appreciate or celebrate their achievements. Many absolutely do. The important distinction is that how another person enters that experience matters.

Why Someone Might Suddenly Stop After Being Praised

This perspective can help us understand something that adults sometimes find particularly confusing. A child may be happily drawing, writing, singing, reading, tidying, practising a skill or completing schoolwork until somebody notices and praises them. Suddenly they stop.

They might say they are not doing it anymore. They may leave the interaction, crumple the paper, delete what they created, change the subject, minimise what they have achieved or insist that what they did was not good.

From the outside, this can look as though the person cannot tolerate success or is deliberately rejecting encouragement. That interpretation risks locating the difficulty entirely within the individual.

Instead, we can ask what changed. The activity may have been accessible before it acquired an audience. Once another person commented on it, the emotional and relational conditions surrounding it changed. The person may now be experiencing increased self-consciousness, uncertainty, expectation, evaluation or exposure. They may feel that something they previously owned has acquired an external meaning.

Stopping, leaving, rejecting the compliment or even destroying the work may therefore be understood as possible attempts to reduce pressure and restore a greater sense of agency, ownership or equilibrium.

This does not mean that every response should automatically be interpreted this way. Observable behaviour does not give us direct access to another person's internal experience. The important shift is away from assuming that we know why somebody reacted and towards becoming curious about what may have changed for them.

Protective Responses Are Communication

When an interaction becomes pressurising, exposing or autonomy-reducing, protective responses may emerge.

These can look very different from person to person. Someone might challenge the compliment, become irritated, withdraw, go quiet, leave, joke, minimise their ability, change the subject or stop the activity altogether. Rather than automatically categorising these responses as "refusing praise", we can understand them as possible clues that something about the interaction has become difficult to navigate.

Perhaps the praise introduced future expectation. Perhaps being watched created pressure. Perhaps the person felt evaluated. Perhaps the emotional intensity of the interaction increased. Perhaps they did not agree with the compliment. Perhaps they wanted the activity to remain private. Perhaps previous experiences have taught them that demonstrating competence results in increased expectations. Perhaps they were deeply immersed in the activity and the interruption itself created pressure.

Or perhaps they simply do not like being praised. There does not need to be one universal PDA explanation.

Autonomy Is More Than Being "In Control"

It is important to distinguish autonomy from simply wanting control. Within a neuroaffirmative understanding of PDA, autonomy can be understood more broadly in terms of agency, self-direction, ownership, meaningful participation and having influence over what happens to and around oneself.

This distinction changes how we interpret responses to praise. Rather than assuming that someone is trying to "regain control", we might consider whether they are trying to restore ownership of an experience, reduce relational pressure, regain psychological space or move towards a greater sense of equilibrium.

Describing PDA people primarily as needing control can unintentionally reproduce deficit-based assumptions about manipulation, dominance or inflexibility. An autonomy-informed perspective instead considers what happens when a person experiences their agency as reduced or when an internally owned experience suddenly becomes influenced by somebody else's expectations.

Does This Mean We Should Stop Praising PDA Children?

There is no universal rule that we should stop praising PDA children. Some PDA people enjoy praise. Some enjoy particular kinds of praise from particular people. Some prefer humour, shared excitement or quiet acknowledgement. Some appreciate specific feedback but dislike enthusiastic compliments. Some prefer acknowledgement privately rather than publicly. Others want their achievements to be celebrated enthusiastically when they have actively invited somebody into the experience.

The goal is not to replace one rigid communication rule with another. Instead, learn the person's communication preferences.

Notice what happens when you praise them. Notice whether they actively bring achievements to you. Notice whether they appear to enjoy shared excitement or become more self-conscious when attention is directed towards them. Notice whether public and private acknowledgement are experienced differently. Notice whether praise appears to increase pressure around repeating an activity.

Most importantly, listen to what the person communicates about what works for them.

Observational Language Can Reduce Evaluation, But It Is Not a Formula

Adults are sometimes encouraged to replace evaluative praise with observational language. Instead of saying, "That's brilliant!", somebody might say, "You spent a long time working on that." Instead of, "Good job!", they might comment, "You found a way to make that work."

For some people, this may reduce the sense of judgement or performance attached to the interaction. It allows an adult to acknowledge something without necessarily deciding whether it was good, bad, successful or impressive. However, observational or declarative language is not automatically autonomy-supportive.

This is why declarative language should not become another communication formula. Simply changing "You did a great job" into "I noticed you completed your work" does not necessarily reduce pressure if the underlying relational message remains, I am monitoring what you do and I want this to continue. We need to understand the importance and the impact of intent, relationship, timing and context of the language chosen.

Connection Does Not Require Evaluation

It can be useful to consider why we are offering praise in the first place. Are we sharing genuine delight with another person? Are we acknowledging something they deliberately brought to us? Are we trying to encourage them to repeat a particular behaviour? Are we attempting to motivate them? Are we communicating approval? Are we trying to reassure them? Are we responding to their excitement, or are we entering an experience they had not invited us into?

These intentions can create very different relational experiences. A child who runs into the room excitedly holding a painting and asks, "Do you like it?" has actively invited another person into that experience. Responding warmly and enthusiastically may be exactly what they are seeking.

A child who is quietly drawing while an adult repeatedly comments, "Beautiful! Amazing! You're such a talented artist!" has not necessarily extended the same invitation.

Connection does not always require evaluation. We can share interest. We can listen. We can respond when invited. We can enjoy humour together. We can allow somebody to tell us what their creation means to them before telling them what we think about it.

Sometimes we can simply be alongside somebody while allowing an experience to remain theirs.

Moving From "How Should I Praise Them?" to "What Creates Pressure for Them?"

We can become curious about what creates pressure (triggering protective responses) for this particular person. What kind of acknowledgement feels connecting? When do they want other people to enter their experience? Does being observed change how an activity feels? Does praise create an expectation that something must happen again? Does positive attention feel emotionally intense? Do they prefer to initiate conversations about their achievements? Does praise feel different depending on who gives it, where it happens or whether other people are present?

For PDA people, autonomy-supportive relationships do not need to be relationships without warmth, encouragement, appreciation or celebration. They are relationships in which the person's agency, communication, boundaries and experience are respected. Sometimes the most affirming response may be enthusiastic celebration. Sometimes it may be gentle acknowledgement. Sometimes it may be curiosity. Sometimes it may be shared humour.

And sometimes it may be allowing somebody to continue what they were doing without commenting at all.

Ultimately, the aim is not to develop another set of rules about how PDA people should be praised. It is to understand how pressure can enter an interaction, sometimes in subtle, relational and unintended ways. Praise may feel connecting and affirming to one person, while for another it may introduce expectation, evaluation, exposure or a sense that something personally owned has become externally defined.

A Note on PDA Research and Lived Experience

Our understanding of PDA continues to develop, and research specifically examining how PDA people experience praise, positive attention and external evaluation remains limited. There is not currently a sufficient evidence base to conclude that there is one specific neurological mechanism responsible for what is sometimes described as "praise rejection".

The ideas explored in this article therefore bring together emerging PDA-informed thinking, neuroaffirmative practice and my own and the lived experiences of others. They should be understood as possible ways of making sense of these experiences rather than as universal explanations for every PDA person.

Contemporary lived-experience perspectives are increasingly encouraging a broader understanding of PDA than one based solely on observable demand avoidance. Considering autonomy, agency, relational safety, power, pressure, emotional exposure, uncertainty, attunement and the experience of being perceived can help us develop a more nuanced understanding of what may be happening beneath an observable response.

As research develops and PDA people continue to contribute their own accounts, perspectives and conceptualisations, our understanding should develop alongside them. This article will therefore continue to be reviewed and updated as the PDA knowledge base expands.

References:

Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) and the Nervous System:

1. Foundational Understanding of PDA:

• Newson, E., Le Maréchal, K. and David, C. (2003) ‘Pathological demand avoidance syndrome: a necessary distinction within the pervasive developmental disorders’, Archives of Disease in Childhood, 88(7), pp. 595–600. Available at: https://adc.bmj.com/content/88/7/595 (Accessed: 1 February 2025).

• Johnson, M. and Saunderson, H. (2023) ‘Examining the relationship between anxiety and pathological demand avoidance in adults: A mixed methods approach’, Frontiers in Education, 8, Article 1179015. Available at: https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/feduc.2023.1179015/full (Accessed: 2 February 2025).

• O’Nions, E., Happé, F., Viding, E. and Noens, I. (2021) ‘Extreme demand avoidance in children with autism spectrum disorder: Refinement of a caregiver-report measure’, Advances in Neurodevelopmental Disorders, 5(3), pp. 1–13. Available at: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s41252-021-00203-z (Accessed: 1 February 2025).

• O’Nions, E., Christie, P., Gould, J., Viding, E. and Happé, F. (2014) ‘Development of the “Extreme Demand Avoidance Questionnaire” (EDA-Q): Preliminary observations on a trait measure for pathological demand avoidance’, Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 55(7), pp. 758–768. Available at: https://acamh.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jcpp.12149 (Accessed: 2 February 2025).

2. Neurophysiological Perspectives:

• Porges, S.W. (2011) The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. New York: W.W. Norton & Company.

• Porges, S.W. (2001) ‘The polyvagal theory: phylogenetic substrates of a social nervous system’, International Journal of Psychophysiology, 42(2), pp. 123–146.

3. Insights for PDA Practitioners:

• O’Nions, E., Happé, F., Viding, E. and Noens, I. (2021) ‘Extreme demand avoidance in children with autism spectrum disorder: Refinement of a caregiver-report measure’, Advances in Neurodevelopmental Disorders, 5(3), pp. 1–13. Available at: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s41252-021-00203-z (Accessed: 1 February 2025)

• Haire, L., Symonds, J., Senior, J. and D’Urso, G. (2024) ‘Methods of studying pathological demand avoidance in children and adolescents: A scoping review’, Frontiers in Education, 9, Article 1230011. Available at: https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/feduc.2024.1230011/full (Accessed: 1 February 2025).

4. Neuroscience and Trauma-Informed Perspectives:

• Porges, S.W. (2009) ‘Reciprocal influences between body and brain in the perception and expression of affect: A polyvagal perspective’, The Healing Power of Emotion: Affective Neuroscience, Development & Clinical Practice, pp. 27–54.

5. Real-World Lived Experience and Clinical Application:

• Christie, P. (2018) ‘PDA… the story so far’, PDA Society Resources. Available at: https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/resources/phil-christie-pda-the-story-so-far/ (Accessed: 1 February 2025).