PDA and Praise Rejection

Why PDAers May Reject Praise and What to Say Instead

Many parents and professionals feel confused when an Autistic child with a demand avoidant profile (PDA - Pervasive Drive for Autonomy / Pathological Demand Avoidance) reacts negatively to praise or appears to ignore the praise. A simple comment such as “That’s amazing” or “Well done” can lead to withdrawal, distress, or even a sudden rejection of the activity itself.

Understanding Demand Avoidance, Pressure and Neuroaffirmative Communication

This blog post on Pathological Demand Avoidance will consider:

• Why praise can feel overwhelming for PDAers

• What the internal experience may be when praise is given

• Why responses can appear sudden or intense

• Practical, neuroaffirmative alternatives that support regulation and connection

Understanding PDA: A Sensitivity to Demand

A PDA (demand avoidant) profile is characterised by a heightened sensitivity to perceived demands. These demands are not limited to instructions or expectations such as “put on your shoes” or “finish your work”.

Demands can also include:

• Social expectations

• Attention

• Transitions

• Internal pressures

• Language, including praise

For many PDAers, the nervous system is highly attuned to any signal that something is expected of them, even when that expectation is subtle or unintended.

Why Praise Can Feel Like Pressure To A PDAer

1. Praise Can Create Future Expectations

When a PDA child hears:

“That’s amazing, you’re so talented”

They may internally process:

• “I have to do that again”

• “This is what they expect from me now”

• “What if I can’t repeat this?”

This introduces anticipatory pressure, which can quickly feel overwhelming.

2. Praise Can Feel Like Evaluation

Praise often places the adult in the role of:

• Judge

• Evaluator

• Authority on what is “good”

For a PDAer, this can create:

• A sense of being observed or scrutinised

• Heightened self-awareness

• Emotional vulnerability

3. Praise Can Reduce Autonomy

An activity that was previously:

• Self-directed

• Enjoyable

• Internally motivated

Can suddenly feel:

• Externalised

• Observed

• Owned by someone else

This can trigger a strong need to regain control of the situation.

4. Praise Can Activate a Threat Response

When praise is perceived as pressure, the nervous system may move into:

• Fight: resistance, refusal

• Flight: avoidance, withdrawal

• Freeze: shutdown, disengagement

This is not a behavioural choice. It is a protective nervous system response.

What the PDAer May Be Experiencing Internally When They Receive Praise

Although each individual is unique, common internal experiences may include:

• “Now they’ll expect me to do this again”

• “This doesn’t feel like mine anymore”

• “What if I can’t do it like that next time?”

• “I need this to stop”

Emotionally, this may feel like:

• Pressure

• Panic

• Exposure

• Overwhelm

This helps explain why a child may suddenly:

• Stop the activity

• Withdraw

• Or even destroy their work

These responses are protective, not oppositional.

Why Reactions Can Appear So Sudden

From the outside, the reaction to praise can seem disproportionate. However, the response is not to the words alone, but to what they represent:

• Future expectation

• Loss of autonomy

• Performance pressure

For example, tearing up a piece of work may be a way to:

• Remove the source of expectation

• End the interaction

• Restore a sense of control

Rethinking Praise: From Encouragement to Connection

The goal is not to remove positive interaction, but to shift the function of language.

Instead of:

• Evaluating

• Praising

• Ensuring compliance

We move towards:

• Observing

• Connecting

• Being curious

This reduces pressure while maintaining warmth and engagement.

What to Say Instead of Praise to a PDAer

1. Observation-Based Language

Instead of:

• “That’s amazing”

Try:

• “I can see lots of colour in that”

• “You’ve been working on that for a while”

Impact:
Removes judgement and allows the child to stay in control.

2. Curiosity-Based Language

Instead of:

• “You’re so good at that”

Try:

• “What’s happening here?”

• “How did you think of that idea?”

Impact:
Invites sharing without pressure or expectation.

3. Process-Focused Language

Instead of:

• “Great job finishing that”

Try:

• “You really took your time with that”

• “You kept going even when it changed”

Impact:
Avoids setting a performance standard.

4. Personal Reflection

Instead of:

• “That’s brilliant”

Try:

• “I like looking at that, it feels calming to me”

• “That makes me think of the sea”

Impact:
Keeps the focus on your experience, not their performance.

5. Connection-Based Language

Instead of:

• “I’m proud of you”

Try:

• “I like sitting here with you while you’re doing that”

• “I enjoy watching you work”

Impact:
Signals safety and connection without demand.

6. Appreciation Without Expectation

Instead of:

• “Good job”

Try:

• “Thanks for showing me that”

• “I appreciate you sharing that with me”

Impact:
Acknowledges without implying repetition.

When Saying Nothing Is Supportive

In some moments, the most regulating response is:

• Sitting nearby

• Offering quiet presence

• Not commenting at all

This reduces:

• Attention pressure

• Social demand

• Cognitive load

The Impact of This Shift

When language becomes:

• Non-evaluative

• Autonomy-preserving

• Relational

Children are more likely to:

• Remain regulated

• Stay engaged

• Return to activities willingly

• Experience a sense of control and safety

For Autistic individuals with a demand avoidant profile, praise is not always experienced as supportive. It can feel like expectation, evaluation, and pressure, triggering a protective response.

By shifting towards:

• Observation

• Curiosity

• Connection

• Appreciation

we create environments where children feel:

• Safe

• Seen

• In control

And when safety is present, engagement follows, not because it is expected, but because it is chosen.

References:

Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) and the Nervous System:

1. Foundational Understanding of PDA:

• Newson, E., Le Maréchal, K. and David, C. (2003) ‘Pathological demand avoidance syndrome: a necessary distinction within the pervasive developmental disorders’, Archives of Disease in Childhood, 88(7), pp. 595–600. Available at: https://adc.bmj.com/content/88/7/595 (Accessed: 1 February 2025).

• Johnson, M. and Saunderson, H. (2023) ‘Examining the relationship between anxiety and pathological demand avoidance in adults: A mixed methods approach’, Frontiers in Education, 8, Article 1179015. Available at: https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/feduc.2023.1179015/full (Accessed: 2 February 2025).

• O’Nions, E., Happé, F., Viding, E. and Noens, I. (2021) ‘Extreme demand avoidance in children with autism spectrum disorder: Refinement of a caregiver-report measure’, Advances in Neurodevelopmental Disorders, 5(3), pp. 1–13. Available at: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s41252-021-00203-z (Accessed: 1 February 2025).

• O’Nions, E., Christie, P., Gould, J., Viding, E. and Happé, F. (2014) ‘Development of the “Extreme Demand Avoidance Questionnaire” (EDA-Q): Preliminary observations on a trait measure for pathological demand avoidance’, Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 55(7), pp. 758–768. Available at: https://acamh.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jcpp.12149 (Accessed: 2 February 2025).

2. Neurophysiological Perspectives:

• Porges, S.W. (2011) The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. New York: W.W. Norton & Company.

• Porges, S.W. (2001) ‘The polyvagal theory: phylogenetic substrates of a social nervous system’, International Journal of Psychophysiology, 42(2), pp. 123–146.

3. Insights for PDA Practitioners:

• O’Nions, E., Happé, F., Viding, E. and Noens, I. (2021) ‘Extreme demand avoidance in children with autism spectrum disorder: Refinement of a caregiver-report measure’, Advances in Neurodevelopmental Disorders, 5(3), pp. 1–13. Available at: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s41252-021-00203-z (Accessed: 1 February 2025)

• Haire, L., Symonds, J., Senior, J. and D’Urso, G. (2024) ‘Methods of studying pathological demand avoidance in children and adolescents: A scoping review’, Frontiers in Education, 9, Article 1230011. Available at: https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/feduc.2024.1230011/full (Accessed: 1 February 2025).

4. Neuroscience and Trauma-Informed Perspectives:

• Porges, S.W. (2009) ‘Reciprocal influences between body and brain in the perception and expression of affect: A polyvagal perspective’, The Healing Power of Emotion: Affective Neuroscience, Development & Clinical Practice, pp. 27–54.

5. Real-World Lived Experience and Clinical Application:

• Christie, P. (2018) ‘PDA… the story so far’, PDA Society Resources. Available at: https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/resources/phil-christie-pda-the-story-so-far/ (Accessed: 1 February 2025).