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Reclaiming Your Parenting Identity

Parenting a child with a PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance/Persistent Drive for Autonomy) profile reshapes everything you thought you knew about parenting. It’s not about obedience, routines, or consequences, it’s about connection, co-regulation, and creating a family culture that centres autonomy and trust. This blog explores the transformation that occurs when you step away from mainstream expectations and embrace a neuroaffirmative parenting path. I read a social media recently by Dr Casey from At Peace Parenting which spoke about the unlearning we have to do as parents of Autistic children with PDA profiles. I found myself nodding my head in agreement but also, I have a slightly different view too as I am also an Autistic PDA adult.

In this post I speak on my own lived experiences and new found perspectives parenting a child with a PDA profile.

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The Unlearning : Letting Go of Traditional Parenting

Parenting a PDA child requires deep unlearning. It’s more than abandoning outdated strategies, it’s unpacking the belief systems you inherited. The traditional model of control and compliance often fails to support Autistic neurobiology and autonomy. Letting go is painful, but it opens the door to connection-driven parenting.

Parenting Through Judgement: Standing Firm in Your Truth

Parenting a child with a PDA profile can be confronting in public spaces. Others may judge your parenting approach, but PDA parenting demands a focus on relationship and regulation, not performance. Anchor yourself in what your child needs, not what others expect.

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The Boundary Blueprint: Preserving Peace in a Neurodivergent Home

Boundaries become essential for PDA families. You’ll need to protect your energy from well-meaning but misinformed advice. Boundaries create space to honour your child’s nervous system and your own, allowing you to parent intuitively and protect the heart of your connection.

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Releasing Control: Parenting Without Power Struggles

In PDA parenting, control often leads to rupture. Instead of escalating demands, you learn to co-create safe environments that feel manageable for your child. You stop parenting from the outside in, and begin parenting from the inside out.

Beyond Behaviour: The Power of Accommodation

Accommodation isn’t giving in, it’s giving space. PDA children are not misbehaving; they are communicating. Adapting your parenting and reducing demands builds trust and co-regulation. Accommodation becomes the foundation for emotional safety and relationship.

Identity Earthquake: Redefining Yourself as a Parent

Parenting a PDA child transforms your identity. You may no longer fit in with typical parenting circles, but what emerges is an identity built on authenticity and compassion. You don’t lose yourself, you evolve into the parent your child truly needs. Confrontation is not something I aspire to ever as I find it dysregulating but when it comes to my PDA child I will advocate with a steely resolve I would never have realised I possessed until my child faced hurdles and barriers put in their pathways by those who mean well but do harm unwittingly with their outdated approaches.

Off-Road Parenting: Navigating the Unknown

There is no manual for PDA parenting that will work exactly right for your unique family. You are writing your own. It may feel lonely or unfamiliar, but it’s also empowering. This uncharted path is one of honesty, adaptability, and deep attunement.

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Becoming the Advocate You Never Expected to Be

You become fluent in your child’s needs, often speaking for them when the world doesn’t understand. Advocacy becomes a form of love. You explain, re-explain, and push for accommodation. Not because it’s easy, but because your child deserves to be seen.

Choosing Connection Over Compliance: Redefining Success

Success with a PDA child doesn’t look like perfect routines or mainstream milestones. It looks like mutual trust, nervous system safety, and tiny moments of connection. Leaving schools or changing careers becomes a declaration: your child comes first.

Finding Your People: From Isolation to Community

The PDA path can feel isolating, but in the silence, you find others who whisper “me too.” Community may look different, but it is real and grounding. Seek out those who understand PDA, not just academically, but emotionally.

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Regulated Together: Co-Regulation Without Self-Sacrifice

Your child’s nervous system depends on yours. But regulation doesn’t mean self-neglect. Rest matters. Your well-being matters. You cannot co-regulate from a place of depletion, mutual support is essential.

No Easy Fixes: Trust Takes Time

There is no magic routine, no universal strategy. PDA parenting is a relational journey filled with rupture and repair. Progress is slow and often invisible, but it’s happening in every connected moment.

Celebrating the Quiet Wins: Honouring Invisible Progress

Success with a PDA child is found in the smallest shifts, a shared smile, a moment of ease, sharing of time and space. Celebrate them. These small victories hold great meaning.

Parenting a PDA child

Parenting an Autistic child with a PDA profile isn’t about fixing, correcting, or conforming. It’s about safety, understanding, and deep relationship. You are not just parenting differently, you are living differently. This is brave, sacred work, and you are exactly the parent your child needs.

PDA References

Supporting Autistic PDA Students References:

Christie, P., Duncan, M., Fidler, R. and Healy, Z. (2012). Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome in Children: A Guide for Parents, Teachers and Other Professionals. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Fidler, R. and Christie, P. (2019). Collaborative Approaches to Learning for Pupils with PDA: Strategies for Education Professionals. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Truman, C. (2021). The Teacher’s Introduction to Pathological Demand Avoidance: Essential Strategies for the Classroom. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Fricker, E. (2021). The Family Experience of PDA: An Illustrated Guide to Pathological Demand Avoidance. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Cat, S. (2018). Pathological Demand Avoidance Explained. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Eaton, J. (2017). A Guide to Mental Health Issues in Girls and Young Women on the Autism Spectrum: Diagnosis, Intervention and Family Support. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Newson, E. (2003). Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome: A Necessary Distinction within the Pervasive Developmental Disorders. Archives of Disease in Childhood, 88(7), pp. 595–600.